The Sancitity of Words on being an ASSHOLE - cont'd

July 30, 2006 – 11:40 GMT
After my previous post, I had wanted to leave everything behind start afresh by being a new person. Old habits die hard and so do older people. Seeing so many lives being lost in the world, I always wonder, why am I not one of them?
Well without rambling much, let me get to the point why I am here again. I finally admitted, a fortnight or so back, that the abuse (viz. arse hole) was not exactly unwarranted. Call a fool a fool and call a lunatic insane, you can bet he can be spiteful. I guess it was the same with me. I am indeed an arse hole and imagine, I am an 'obsessed' one at that. Hurts, but I am not angry; except for myself.
To make a long story short, I had gone out - vanished from the world of known faces and people to find out what an arse hole meant. I was unwilling to return till I understood why was a person called so. Is it so trivial as 'sorry', 'thank you', 'please' etc.? Each of them are said several times without acutally meaning anything.
I had taken the first bus available to me which was the cheapest and take me farthest. A couple of hours later, a desolate bustand caught my attention and I spent the night sleeping under a bench. Woke up early and went to look for work. Found one as a digger for repairing some underground water works..Hahahahha...it was the same company for which I had worked previously. The respected, loved, educated high flying Oracle Apps Supply chain consultant digging out earth in one of their sites!!!. God, Mark (my counterpart on the client side) would have a heart attack if he saw me with a spade and pickaxe in my hands. The pay was good - went away with 40 pounds and a few blisters in my hands after 5 hours. That night was spent under a concrete canopy of a public park. A sniffing dog woke me up in the morning. Did he think I was fit for his pee!! Well, at least fit for something, even if it was a dog’s pee.
Did nothing till the afternoon, got drunk on beer in the evening, tried checking my mails in a public internet booth. Late evening I took the next bus to somewhere. I was questioned by a police woman for sitting at a busy signal post in the midst of the sleepy town. She was a tough matronly lady. The soft human side of her tough exterior came through after she had relentless questioned me for half and hour and found me to be a harmless one; somebody who was trying to discover oneself. She let me sleep in the porch of her police outpost.
Had to work the next day if I did not want to beg. As I strolled around looking for work, I came upon a tiny grand village tavern. I big man in a characteristic accent was yelling out to people to get their asses moving since the party was due to begin soon. He us doubly angry for the cleaning people not having turned up. I offered my services and was instantly hired to do the dishes and keep them in circulation. I was told to wash up the dishes in a large metal vat and use detergents as required. Cool man - no hassles - I finished them in the back yard and dried them too. As the party progressed dishes started piling up. I could not keep the rotation going with the detergent and the washing. Suddenly I heard this big booming voice behind me - What's hell going on - the dishes aren’t coming quick enough. I turned to see Emlo (i learnt his name later), the Spanish boss of the tavern, towering over me, his face dark with fury, sleeves rolled up with fists clenched, glowering at me. Coolly I told him, I could not get to detergent all the dishes and wash them too at the feed in speed.

'ASSHOLE' who told you to detergent all the dishes? My head spun again and my ears were hot as if they were boxed.

Nobody - I had replied. Something in my eyes told him something, his voice became quieter.
'Then get your ass moving, soap the dishes that have cheese or ice-cream, let the others through running water.' He went away shaking his head. I learnt fast and was upto the mark or even better till the party was over at midnight.

Wasn't either hungry or sleepy as I had got that 'accolade' again but I had to collect my pay. Emlo was hunched over his computer trying to make out the bills for the party and cursing under his breath. I waited some and finally asked him if I could help.
His guffawed - This isn't washing dishes sonny - give me a minute, I will print out your payment voucher.

Try as hard as he might, his accounting program would neither exit nor save. He offered me a burger and a coffee on the house while I waited. As I ate, I hinted to him that I was computer proficient. First he laughed and then gave up in helplessness.
When in doubt, 'boot' windows. That's what I did. His accounting program was up again. But still no printing. On enquiring about printers, I was told that a new printer had been installed and it had been having intermittent problems ever since. Simple - check if the printer could print with and alternate driver till he could get hold of the proper driver. It was a Canon which also accepts HP drivers - problem resolved after identifying the suitable driver. He was grateful and we spent the next 30 min talking. He asked me what was I doing as a fly-by-the-wire cleaner. Who was I? Where did I live? Did I have a family? What was my profession? Did I need a job? He was willing to hire me the next day onwards at 1200 pounds a month - the best he could afford - to look after his computers and accounting along with his 32 year old daughter who was the manager in the day . Finally I told him I had a job that paid me two salaries, I had most things in life but I was LOST in life and hence I was out trying to seek myself.
Was that the reason I seemed so hurt when he had called me an ASSHOLE? He could never forget my look when he had abused me, he said. Emlo came out of his chair, caught me in a bear hug and said he was sorry. He meant it. If I would forgive him and allow him to make amends, I could sleep in the furnishing warehouse since I had no place to go. I accepted it gratefully and went to bed thinking how much of an ASSHOLE I really was.

I will continue the last piece of this trip in my next narration. This will lead to my obsessions and how delicately I am balanced today. I am on the edge of a precipice - it is God's will to pull me back or His mercy to let me tip over....
Wishes to all who have cared to stop by. Of course not for people who are too busy planning for themselves.

Continuation of MY LAURELS
forever yours in words and thoughts only - pictures in the eyes of the mind.

July 01, 2006

I will write as long as I am not ready to make the last call of this date. I am just back from 10 hours of work on a weekend after having put in an excess of 80 hours during the week. Yet I am not ready to call it a day because the all-important call is to be made. I know it shall be answered by saying that no conversation is possible. Reasons cited may be preoccupation, required recreation, lack of privacy, some things that faltered but needed to be done immediately etc. etc. I admit I do make some excuses myself wherein I go into hibernation trying to get my composure back, forgive and forget etc. etc. More often than not, I punish the body because it is the cursed constitution that holds the heart, mind, intellect, aspirations, desires and want.

If anybody cares to read here, I would be obliged if you left your imprint. I am continuing from where I left off after being called an asshole. Happenings of the next week or 10 days could figure as a travelogue that I intend to put in my subsequent posts. I am trying to get my steam off because I know there isn’t a ear that would hear, and if I found one to hear, there won’t be much to care. Is there anything that a person could do except leave a legacy in words??

Anyway, I need to clarify a few things that resulted in my previous post. It was only my side of the story. I am not above reprimand or rebuke which I can accept as corrections. I am sorry I was totally engrossed in myself then - the self-pity, the pain, the futility for which I am only to blame. If I cannot take care of myself when I knew I was inviting trouble, I should not have treaded the path of danger. Days and nights I had waited for some meaningful conversation which I was finding elusive. I am not mentioning all the reasons that had been cited. It was and is ridiculous of myself that I know / knew all the reasons and yet I choose to wait and pine. Well as it turned out to be, I was outrageously impatient and risqué which is very unlike me. I was told I was intruding on the space on time which was to be used for writing the novel that was being penned. Falsehood is something which I thought was never permitted between us. I happened to know that the tools needed for the activity was not there and then there was prolonged silence from her.

Weak as I am, I conjured several things. It fired my imagination and impatience. I went out to skin the tiger in its den without realizing that a swipe of the paw could turn me insane. I sent impulsive, irritating, compulsive words – to an extent when I asked to be blocked, deleted, ignored etc. etc. I had called for trouble but had not anticipated the enormity of the single word. When it did come, I saw the stars exploding in my head, the bile rose up my throat, my mind reeled, the muscles in my body seemed to be immobilized and my sight seemed to blacken out. The paw was too heavy for me to take. Even she realized it and tried to soften it. All night the word kept resounding in every cell and pore. I writhed in bed all night, schemed and planned in the early hours and left for work as dawn broke on the horizons. I knew I was going to work, but I did not know where and why I was going to my regular place of work. Except for my identity and a few pounds in my wallet, I left back everything. The open unmerciful, uncertain world seemed to welcome me. I felt as if it was stretching its arms out to welcome me in its womb in order to remind me of my creation.

It is time now for making my call, hence I shall continue with this later.

Made the call

Well I could not be heard, so thanks for hearing me out here..hahahhahahahha!!!!

When a GIRL with my experiments

Things written in the picture

WHEN A GIRL
Is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind
Is not arguing, she is thinking deeply
Looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long will you be around
Answers “I am fine” after a few seconds, she is not at all fine
Stares at you, she is wondering why are you lying
Lays on your chest, she is wishing you to be hers forever
Calls you everyday, she is seeking your attention
Sends you repeated messages, she wants you to reply at least once
Says ‘I love you’, she means it
Says she can’t live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future
Says “I miss you”, no one in the world can miss you more than her.

How Many of these are True!!!!

How many girls are like these to day??

And when a man says that and means it -He is only an old romantic fool
Read on for continuation to my laurels with the idea of what a girl is supposed to be!!!

Have I mentioned these two terms before?
1. TRV 2. PRV
TRV: Totally Random Variable = GOD
PRV : Partially Random Variable = GIRL.

Explanations to follow in due course narrating my experiences, experiments and discoveries about truth. God and Girls are beautiful imaginary creations of human beings.

My Laurel and My Reward - posted on May 23, 2006, 11:10 pm GMT

I should take care of date and time to record this in my annals. Read on after seeing the picture. The description is at the end.

Guess what!! I have been called an ASSHOLE today. For whoever is offended by some graphic language and description, please do not read any further.
This is the first time somebody called me one and told me I was behaving like one. I should be enthralled to receive an accolade from the one who has meant my life and death to me.
Well, all along I have acted like an ass. May be even like an ASSHOLE of an ass (read donkey). That is what emotions and feelings are all about. Somebody tramples over them with a steam roller when it is convenient or have more important things to do. I have known all along that this could be the outcome. My thoughts and sense of duty do not come from any book or religion, but it is the call of my heart. I never asked a second question when I needed to help, my intuitions helped because I loved with passion and intesity, I recognized the need even before asked and hence I know I am the ASSHOLE. The laurel emerged only because I demanded today. I am not allowed to feel (or express) my desperation, my loneliness, my needs and my wants. More importantly not expect. And certainly not from a friend (or somebody) who is out to reach the moon and head is above the clouds after a good deal of hard work. When objectives are clear and goals are defined, promises stand true for everything and everybody except me - because I am the first one who is expendable and there are others who will readily fill the void or have been waiting in the wings. And yet I refuse to accept it. So what is wrong if I have been conveyed I am an ASSHOLE and have been making an ass of myself? Like oft said, TRUTH hurts and hence I have been immensely 'elated'.
Know what? The worst of my curses in English are ‘Shit’ and ‘Bloody Hell’. Do you think I could ever even utter that word for any human being though I remember having used the word ‘Buggers’ for people who had been disturbing me when I had been talking to my ‘world’. Did I ever say that to her even in my thoughts?? No…never – None but God is my witness – but He is so dumb and powerless Himself. Does He evoke a pang of conscience when such words are ‘bestowed’ on somebody like me?? No. Does He reward me for my unflinching duty? No. But He did help me today. Why do I have to care and live this one year out?? I have got my reward that can lead to self actualization – isolation, desperation, demolition, immolation, annihilation.
Every time I have been communicated with, it has been with a reminder that it has been my luck and I should feel grateful. It was as if accounts were being tallied and debts were piling on my head. It did not provoke me to do some accountancy myself and take stock of the 'goods'. There are many stepping stones to an achievement. Did it ever occur or bring to memories that this ASSHOLE was virtually beside (without any physical proximity) when an encouragement was needed, when a family union was planned, when a shoulder was needed, when an examination was due or health was failing? Tangibles vanished into oblivion and the intangibles appeared from nowhere. That's me - the intangible – THE ASSHOLE - where the rays of the sun do not reach. (that's a medical picture above lest it looks offensive, trying to make myself persentable) So now does everybody know how I look or who am I??

Strange, I was just comparing my traits yesterday (read the previous post). I had NOT cheated and had copied on what it revealed without shame, boast or prejudice, but I do not know anymore. Comparing colours and personalities I have known, I think the internet lies. It is as shallow but pervasive as the feelings / emotions of the modern society. Life is a Paradox and living an illusion.

Some evaluation about self as per http://www.blogthings.com
1. Self Esteem: ***You Have Low Self Esteem 44% of the Time***
While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues.It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!
2. Selfishness: ***You Are 9% Selfish***
In other words, you're a warm, caring considerate person.Just make sure to get your way sometimes. There's a fine line between unselfish and pushover.
3. Ideal Relationship: ***Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage***
You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!
4. Flirting nature: ***You Are a Natural Flirt***
Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!
5. In Love: ***How You Are In Love***
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
6. Vanity: ***You Are 11% Vain***
You don't have a vain bone in your body - almost as a matter of principal.

You demand to be judged on who you are, not what you look like.
7. Seduction Style: ***Your Seduction Style: Au Natural***
You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.
You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?
You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.
8. Keys to my Heart: ***The Keys to Your Heart***
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
9. My kind of Soul: ***You Are a Prophet Soul***
You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul.

Thank you 'blogthings'. I have not cheated once. Some of it seems strange to myself, but I let it be the way it is. If anybody cares to read, see for yourself how you fare!!!

The start of �The Great Substitute�
Does anyone know how it feels to be classified and reminded over and over again by the person who you love the most that you are only a substitute!! It brings to mind great profanities and abhorrence for self because I have stooped myself to that level when I know have destroyed my self esteem just to stay alive in her esteem (or is it consideration?).
I feel so much more strongly after I have had a break, which I thought I deserved. Back at home, I intended to organize my finances. With the little money I could spare and commit, I plunged in to buy insurances – one to secure my little daughter (and plan for my retirement if I lived long enough) and the other to leave back some money for my idea of ‘love’ in case of fortunate imminent death.
Yes, I said ‘my idea of love’ and ‘fortunate imminent death’. That seems to be only emancipation though the insurances will prevent me from doing anything for the first year. Great way to secure and bind myself down, isn’t it?
It brings to mind the classical example of the ‘holy’ cow in some cultures where the animal was a part of the wealth and affluence of families. Not for beliefs or traditions – it was considered so for its utility. The cow in its life lived to be milked and pull the plough apart from bearing its offspring with very little demands for sustenance. It grazed in the fields and meadows and hardly ever needed attention. It faithfully came back home to be milked every dawn and dusk. Finally when it was too old to be of any service, it was led to be slaughtered and every part of its body – bones, flesh, hooves, horns, hide, fat, et-all was traded for money.
Why am I here today? What am I trying to say!! There is so much to say and so little of words or organised thoughts. While you are told that you are cared and loved, how does it matter if you cease to exist? Or how important is it that you live? Think of a situation when a piece of equipment is broken and you don’t want to repair it because it has lived its utility when you needed it. How would you to feel to know that you are thought about and needed only when someone else is being trite and acutely unpleasant to you?
God, all of this is there and more. Yet I do not know how to take a handle on myself. What I did is my unsaid duty emerging from the call of my heart. Glad you made my heart sing the sweet songs and gladder still that it still beats only for you. All I asked for was reciprocation in feelings. I have expended myself for you – to make your dreams come alive, to see you grow as a person. And you have considered me a ‘bystander’. Alas, now I no more figure as a part of ‘we’.
Isn’t it a pity that I can’t even afford to be indignant?I will come here more often now to leave my legacy in words. That is what I had from you and that is what I will leave behind.

To: The Creator who I had denied

Forgive me, O Lord, for having said or believed this!!! Knowing my sincerity, you know I mean it. If suffering has not been able to bring me to thy doors, my futility in love has made me know what you are.
You have made us as human beings and have given only us the capacity to love. Religion or sin, I have not indulged in; I have always lived by the voice of my conscience, which I thought was your command; then why is it that I am distraught when I did that my heart bid, and now why is the heart itself broken to tiny bits? I am sure I can never love again, and in such a predicament, how true is it that I shall continue to remain?
You gave me love in short bursts and then always took it away, and left me to spend my days in despair and regret. What test am I taking that I can try to live again?
I have not failed in my duty, yet you took away my bread. Not heeding my own hunger and snow I tread, I did what my heart felt instead. I fed the family, I sent out the post. I worked my brain in the days, my arms in the week ends, I have walked miles with blisters in my feet, and saved a few pence. All this I endured without much complain.
I thank you for the strength you have gifted me to endure, hence have not prayed for physical comforts. In my hardships, I have not asked you for help. I have been sick, I have not asked you to make me well.
I have been true to my words, sometimes a little late, but have always done as I have said. I know the body will die, I had hoped my deeds and love will remain. I have expended myself for the values I have, but I think my values are of little value to your thoughts. I have forgiven everybody but you have not forgiven me - for what fault of mine I shall never know. Why do you have to prove your presence by showering me with hurt and pain? My love had led me to believe you; did you have to take my love away to force me to come begging to you?
The single tree bathed in sunlight in midst of the snow is exactly like the light of my love that you had given. While the tree will wait for spring to don its colors, I don't have the strength to wait for the summer. You can break me, O God! Do take my life away, but for the Love that you have once given me, I shall never sway. And in the end, if you don't relent, I may do what you won't.

Me the Beggar needs a Humble Hand..

Found this on the net - it is too simple, and toooooooo good.
Thanks to John W. Johnston - and my aplogies for putting it here without his explicit permission.

As the Sun needs the sky
As trees need their leaves
As the sun needs the sky,
As rain needs a cloud
As birds need to fly

As a bee needs a flower
As a squirrel needs a nut
As a castle needs a tower
As open needs shut

As a pen needs paper
As a pencil needs lead
As a hand needs an arm
As a neck needs a head

As a foot needs an ankle
As a knee needs a leg
As bread needs butter
As bacon needs egg

As a sculpture needs stone
As a painter needs paint
As a writer needs words
As bold needs faint

As a top needs a bottom
As a left needs a right
As inside needs outside
As day needs night

As light needs dark
As up needs down
As full needs empty
As a scowl needs a frown

As a book needs a cover
As a library needs a book
As a dog needs a bone
As a line needs a hook

As black needs white
As sky needs blue
As grass needs green
So I need you.

I dabble in poetry from time to time but the words are only as good as the inspiration. Who do I beg to and tell "I need you". A beggars pleas do not pass the ears, can it really touch a heart?