To: The Creator who I had denied
Forgive me, O Lord, for having said or believed this!!! Knowing my sincerity, you know I mean it. If suffering has not been able to bring me to thy doors, my futility in love has made me know what you are.
You have made us as human beings and have given only us the capacity to love. Religion or sin, I have not indulged in; I have always lived by the voice of my conscience, which I thought was your command; then why is it that I am distraught when I did that my heart bid, and now why is the heart itself broken to tiny bits? I am sure I can never love again, and in such a predicament, how true is it that I shall continue to remain?
You gave me love in short bursts and then always took it away, and left me to spend my days in despair and regret. What test am I taking that I can try to live again?
I have not failed in my duty, yet you took away my bread. Not heeding my own hunger and snow I tread, I did what my heart felt instead. I fed the family, I sent out the post. I worked my brain in the days, my arms in the week ends, I have walked miles with blisters in my feet, and saved a few pence. All this I endured without much complain.
I thank you for the strength you have gifted me to endure, hence have not prayed for physical comforts. In my hardships, I have not asked you for help. I have been sick, I have not asked you to make me well.
I have been true to my words, sometimes a little late, but have always done as I have said. I know the body will die, I had hoped my deeds and love will remain. I have expended myself for the values I have, but I think my values are of little value to your thoughts. I have forgiven everybody but you have not forgiven me - for what fault of mine I shall never know. Why do you have to prove your presence by showering me with hurt and pain? My love had led me to believe you; did you have to take my love away to force me to come begging to you?
The single tree bathed in sunlight in midst of the snow is exactly like the light of my love that you had given. While the tree will wait for spring to don its colors, I don't have the strength to wait for the summer. You can break me, O God! Do take my life away, but for the Love that you have once given me, I shall never sway. And in the end, if you don't relent, I may do what you won't.
You have made us as human beings and have given only us the capacity to love. Religion or sin, I have not indulged in; I have always lived by the voice of my conscience, which I thought was your command; then why is it that I am distraught when I did that my heart bid, and now why is the heart itself broken to tiny bits? I am sure I can never love again, and in such a predicament, how true is it that I shall continue to remain?
You gave me love in short bursts and then always took it away, and left me to spend my days in despair and regret. What test am I taking that I can try to live again?
I have not failed in my duty, yet you took away my bread. Not heeding my own hunger and snow I tread, I did what my heart felt instead. I fed the family, I sent out the post. I worked my brain in the days, my arms in the week ends, I have walked miles with blisters in my feet, and saved a few pence. All this I endured without much complain.
I thank you for the strength you have gifted me to endure, hence have not prayed for physical comforts. In my hardships, I have not asked you for help. I have been sick, I have not asked you to make me well.
I have been true to my words, sometimes a little late, but have always done as I have said. I know the body will die, I had hoped my deeds and love will remain. I have expended myself for the values I have, but I think my values are of little value to your thoughts. I have forgiven everybody but you have not forgiven me - for what fault of mine I shall never know. Why do you have to prove your presence by showering me with hurt and pain? My love had led me to believe you; did you have to take my love away to force me to come begging to you?
The single tree bathed in sunlight in midst of the snow is exactly like the light of my love that you had given. While the tree will wait for spring to don its colors, I don't have the strength to wait for the summer. You can break me, O God! Do take my life away, but for the Love that you have once given me, I shall never sway. And in the end, if you don't relent, I may do what you won't.
posted by lovthyself at 2:35 PM
8 Comments:
check your email, please, please. you are not alone, others feel like you do, i promise!!!
Susie is right, you are not alone. I just saw your comment on my blog and want to respond but am honestly not sure where to begin. Can you trust me if I say I can relate to how you feel? I am not saying I KNOW how you feel, only you know that, but I can relate. I'd like to talk to you more. I may do what Susie did and email you.
Please know that you are not alone! You will be lifted up in prayers all across the blogworld tonight....rest assured.
P.S. Thank you for the comment on my story...I'm trying to get to write more of it tonight.
Susie and Barbara: I always woke up trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. The roof of my world has caved in and I am too far inside to turn back. I am trying to look if love is the Light of God but I guess I am far too deep in the womb of darkness.
Thank you for your prayers Josefina. Believe me, I too had wanted to live.
Praying for you to keep on seeking...somehow to keep on seeking.....You are not alone.....
Thinking of you...please let us know how you are, ok?
Thinking of you, please write and let us know how you are! We care!
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