The Sancitity of Words on being an ASSHOLE - cont'd

July 30, 2006 – 11:40 GMT
After my previous post, I had wanted to leave everything behind start afresh by being a new person. Old habits die hard and so do older people. Seeing so many lives being lost in the world, I always wonder, why am I not one of them?
Well without rambling much, let me get to the point why I am here again. I finally admitted, a fortnight or so back, that the abuse (viz. arse hole) was not exactly unwarranted. Call a fool a fool and call a lunatic insane, you can bet he can be spiteful. I guess it was the same with me. I am indeed an arse hole and imagine, I am an 'obsessed' one at that. Hurts, but I am not angry; except for myself.
To make a long story short, I had gone out - vanished from the world of known faces and people to find out what an arse hole meant. I was unwilling to return till I understood why was a person called so. Is it so trivial as 'sorry', 'thank you', 'please' etc.? Each of them are said several times without acutally meaning anything.
I had taken the first bus available to me which was the cheapest and take me farthest. A couple of hours later, a desolate bustand caught my attention and I spent the night sleeping under a bench. Woke up early and went to look for work. Found one as a digger for repairing some underground water works..Hahahahha...it was the same company for which I had worked previously. The respected, loved, educated high flying Oracle Apps Supply chain consultant digging out earth in one of their sites!!!. God, Mark (my counterpart on the client side) would have a heart attack if he saw me with a spade and pickaxe in my hands. The pay was good - went away with 40 pounds and a few blisters in my hands after 5 hours. That night was spent under a concrete canopy of a public park. A sniffing dog woke me up in the morning. Did he think I was fit for his pee!! Well, at least fit for something, even if it was a dog’s pee.
Did nothing till the afternoon, got drunk on beer in the evening, tried checking my mails in a public internet booth. Late evening I took the next bus to somewhere. I was questioned by a police woman for sitting at a busy signal post in the midst of the sleepy town. She was a tough matronly lady. The soft human side of her tough exterior came through after she had relentless questioned me for half and hour and found me to be a harmless one; somebody who was trying to discover oneself. She let me sleep in the porch of her police outpost.
Had to work the next day if I did not want to beg. As I strolled around looking for work, I came upon a tiny grand village tavern. I big man in a characteristic accent was yelling out to people to get their asses moving since the party was due to begin soon. He us doubly angry for the cleaning people not having turned up. I offered my services and was instantly hired to do the dishes and keep them in circulation. I was told to wash up the dishes in a large metal vat and use detergents as required. Cool man - no hassles - I finished them in the back yard and dried them too. As the party progressed dishes started piling up. I could not keep the rotation going with the detergent and the washing. Suddenly I heard this big booming voice behind me - What's hell going on - the dishes aren’t coming quick enough. I turned to see Emlo (i learnt his name later), the Spanish boss of the tavern, towering over me, his face dark with fury, sleeves rolled up with fists clenched, glowering at me. Coolly I told him, I could not get to detergent all the dishes and wash them too at the feed in speed.

'ASSHOLE' who told you to detergent all the dishes? My head spun again and my ears were hot as if they were boxed.

Nobody - I had replied. Something in my eyes told him something, his voice became quieter.
'Then get your ass moving, soap the dishes that have cheese or ice-cream, let the others through running water.' He went away shaking his head. I learnt fast and was upto the mark or even better till the party was over at midnight.

Wasn't either hungry or sleepy as I had got that 'accolade' again but I had to collect my pay. Emlo was hunched over his computer trying to make out the bills for the party and cursing under his breath. I waited some and finally asked him if I could help.
His guffawed - This isn't washing dishes sonny - give me a minute, I will print out your payment voucher.

Try as hard as he might, his accounting program would neither exit nor save. He offered me a burger and a coffee on the house while I waited. As I ate, I hinted to him that I was computer proficient. First he laughed and then gave up in helplessness.
When in doubt, 'boot' windows. That's what I did. His accounting program was up again. But still no printing. On enquiring about printers, I was told that a new printer had been installed and it had been having intermittent problems ever since. Simple - check if the printer could print with and alternate driver till he could get hold of the proper driver. It was a Canon which also accepts HP drivers - problem resolved after identifying the suitable driver. He was grateful and we spent the next 30 min talking. He asked me what was I doing as a fly-by-the-wire cleaner. Who was I? Where did I live? Did I have a family? What was my profession? Did I need a job? He was willing to hire me the next day onwards at 1200 pounds a month - the best he could afford - to look after his computers and accounting along with his 32 year old daughter who was the manager in the day . Finally I told him I had a job that paid me two salaries, I had most things in life but I was LOST in life and hence I was out trying to seek myself.
Was that the reason I seemed so hurt when he had called me an ASSHOLE? He could never forget my look when he had abused me, he said. Emlo came out of his chair, caught me in a bear hug and said he was sorry. He meant it. If I would forgive him and allow him to make amends, I could sleep in the furnishing warehouse since I had no place to go. I accepted it gratefully and went to bed thinking how much of an ASSHOLE I really was.

I will continue the last piece of this trip in my next narration. This will lead to my obsessions and how delicately I am balanced today. I am on the edge of a precipice - it is God's will to pull me back or His mercy to let me tip over....
Wishes to all who have cared to stop by. Of course not for people who are too busy planning for themselves.

Continuation of MY LAURELS
forever yours in words and thoughts only - pictures in the eyes of the mind.

July 01, 2006

I will write as long as I am not ready to make the last call of this date. I am just back from 10 hours of work on a weekend after having put in an excess of 80 hours during the week. Yet I am not ready to call it a day because the all-important call is to be made. I know it shall be answered by saying that no conversation is possible. Reasons cited may be preoccupation, required recreation, lack of privacy, some things that faltered but needed to be done immediately etc. etc. I admit I do make some excuses myself wherein I go into hibernation trying to get my composure back, forgive and forget etc. etc. More often than not, I punish the body because it is the cursed constitution that holds the heart, mind, intellect, aspirations, desires and want.

If anybody cares to read here, I would be obliged if you left your imprint. I am continuing from where I left off after being called an asshole. Happenings of the next week or 10 days could figure as a travelogue that I intend to put in my subsequent posts. I am trying to get my steam off because I know there isn’t a ear that would hear, and if I found one to hear, there won’t be much to care. Is there anything that a person could do except leave a legacy in words??

Anyway, I need to clarify a few things that resulted in my previous post. It was only my side of the story. I am not above reprimand or rebuke which I can accept as corrections. I am sorry I was totally engrossed in myself then - the self-pity, the pain, the futility for which I am only to blame. If I cannot take care of myself when I knew I was inviting trouble, I should not have treaded the path of danger. Days and nights I had waited for some meaningful conversation which I was finding elusive. I am not mentioning all the reasons that had been cited. It was and is ridiculous of myself that I know / knew all the reasons and yet I choose to wait and pine. Well as it turned out to be, I was outrageously impatient and risqué which is very unlike me. I was told I was intruding on the space on time which was to be used for writing the novel that was being penned. Falsehood is something which I thought was never permitted between us. I happened to know that the tools needed for the activity was not there and then there was prolonged silence from her.

Weak as I am, I conjured several things. It fired my imagination and impatience. I went out to skin the tiger in its den without realizing that a swipe of the paw could turn me insane. I sent impulsive, irritating, compulsive words – to an extent when I asked to be blocked, deleted, ignored etc. etc. I had called for trouble but had not anticipated the enormity of the single word. When it did come, I saw the stars exploding in my head, the bile rose up my throat, my mind reeled, the muscles in my body seemed to be immobilized and my sight seemed to blacken out. The paw was too heavy for me to take. Even she realized it and tried to soften it. All night the word kept resounding in every cell and pore. I writhed in bed all night, schemed and planned in the early hours and left for work as dawn broke on the horizons. I knew I was going to work, but I did not know where and why I was going to my regular place of work. Except for my identity and a few pounds in my wallet, I left back everything. The open unmerciful, uncertain world seemed to welcome me. I felt as if it was stretching its arms out to welcome me in its womb in order to remind me of my creation.

It is time now for making my call, hence I shall continue with this later.

Made the call

Well I could not be heard, so thanks for hearing me out here..hahahhahahahha!!!!

When a GIRL with my experiments

Things written in the picture

WHEN A GIRL
Is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind
Is not arguing, she is thinking deeply
Looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long will you be around
Answers “I am fine” after a few seconds, she is not at all fine
Stares at you, she is wondering why are you lying
Lays on your chest, she is wishing you to be hers forever
Calls you everyday, she is seeking your attention
Sends you repeated messages, she wants you to reply at least once
Says ‘I love you’, she means it
Says she can’t live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future
Says “I miss you”, no one in the world can miss you more than her.

How Many of these are True!!!!

How many girls are like these to day??

And when a man says that and means it -He is only an old romantic fool
Read on for continuation to my laurels with the idea of what a girl is supposed to be!!!

Have I mentioned these two terms before?
1. TRV 2. PRV
TRV: Totally Random Variable = GOD
PRV : Partially Random Variable = GIRL.

Explanations to follow in due course narrating my experiences, experiments and discoveries about truth. God and Girls are beautiful imaginary creations of human beings.