My Laurel and My Reward - posted on May 23, 2006, 11:10 pm GMT

I should take care of date and time to record this in my annals. Read on after seeing the picture. The description is at the end.

Guess what!! I have been called an ASSHOLE today. For whoever is offended by some graphic language and description, please do not read any further.
This is the first time somebody called me one and told me I was behaving like one. I should be enthralled to receive an accolade from the one who has meant my life and death to me.
Well, all along I have acted like an ass. May be even like an ASSHOLE of an ass (read donkey). That is what emotions and feelings are all about. Somebody tramples over them with a steam roller when it is convenient or have more important things to do. I have known all along that this could be the outcome. My thoughts and sense of duty do not come from any book or religion, but it is the call of my heart. I never asked a second question when I needed to help, my intuitions helped because I loved with passion and intesity, I recognized the need even before asked and hence I know I am the ASSHOLE. The laurel emerged only because I demanded today. I am not allowed to feel (or express) my desperation, my loneliness, my needs and my wants. More importantly not expect. And certainly not from a friend (or somebody) who is out to reach the moon and head is above the clouds after a good deal of hard work. When objectives are clear and goals are defined, promises stand true for everything and everybody except me - because I am the first one who is expendable and there are others who will readily fill the void or have been waiting in the wings. And yet I refuse to accept it. So what is wrong if I have been conveyed I am an ASSHOLE and have been making an ass of myself? Like oft said, TRUTH hurts and hence I have been immensely 'elated'.
Know what? The worst of my curses in English are ‘Shit’ and ‘Bloody Hell’. Do you think I could ever even utter that word for any human being though I remember having used the word ‘Buggers’ for people who had been disturbing me when I had been talking to my ‘world’. Did I ever say that to her even in my thoughts?? No…never – None but God is my witness – but He is so dumb and powerless Himself. Does He evoke a pang of conscience when such words are ‘bestowed’ on somebody like me?? No. Does He reward me for my unflinching duty? No. But He did help me today. Why do I have to care and live this one year out?? I have got my reward that can lead to self actualization – isolation, desperation, demolition, immolation, annihilation.
Every time I have been communicated with, it has been with a reminder that it has been my luck and I should feel grateful. It was as if accounts were being tallied and debts were piling on my head. It did not provoke me to do some accountancy myself and take stock of the 'goods'. There are many stepping stones to an achievement. Did it ever occur or bring to memories that this ASSHOLE was virtually beside (without any physical proximity) when an encouragement was needed, when a family union was planned, when a shoulder was needed, when an examination was due or health was failing? Tangibles vanished into oblivion and the intangibles appeared from nowhere. That's me - the intangible – THE ASSHOLE - where the rays of the sun do not reach. (that's a medical picture above lest it looks offensive, trying to make myself persentable) So now does everybody know how I look or who am I??

Strange, I was just comparing my traits yesterday (read the previous post). I had NOT cheated and had copied on what it revealed without shame, boast or prejudice, but I do not know anymore. Comparing colours and personalities I have known, I think the internet lies. It is as shallow but pervasive as the feelings / emotions of the modern society. Life is a Paradox and living an illusion.

Some evaluation about self as per http://www.blogthings.com
1. Self Esteem: ***You Have Low Self Esteem 44% of the Time***
While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues.It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!
2. Selfishness: ***You Are 9% Selfish***
In other words, you're a warm, caring considerate person.Just make sure to get your way sometimes. There's a fine line between unselfish and pushover.
3. Ideal Relationship: ***Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage***
You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!
4. Flirting nature: ***You Are a Natural Flirt***
Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!
5. In Love: ***How You Are In Love***
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
6. Vanity: ***You Are 11% Vain***
You don't have a vain bone in your body - almost as a matter of principal.

You demand to be judged on who you are, not what you look like.
7. Seduction Style: ***Your Seduction Style: Au Natural***
You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.
You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?
You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.
8. Keys to my Heart: ***The Keys to Your Heart***
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
9. My kind of Soul: ***You Are a Prophet Soul***
You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul.

Thank you 'blogthings'. I have not cheated once. Some of it seems strange to myself, but I let it be the way it is. If anybody cares to read, see for yourself how you fare!!!