Continuation of MY LAURELS
forever yours in words and thoughts only - pictures in the eyes of the mind.

July 01, 2006

I will write as long as I am not ready to make the last call of this date. I am just back from 10 hours of work on a weekend after having put in an excess of 80 hours during the week. Yet I am not ready to call it a day because the all-important call is to be made. I know it shall be answered by saying that no conversation is possible. Reasons cited may be preoccupation, required recreation, lack of privacy, some things that faltered but needed to be done immediately etc. etc. I admit I do make some excuses myself wherein I go into hibernation trying to get my composure back, forgive and forget etc. etc. More often than not, I punish the body because it is the cursed constitution that holds the heart, mind, intellect, aspirations, desires and want.

If anybody cares to read here, I would be obliged if you left your imprint. I am continuing from where I left off after being called an asshole. Happenings of the next week or 10 days could figure as a travelogue that I intend to put in my subsequent posts. I am trying to get my steam off because I know there isn’t a ear that would hear, and if I found one to hear, there won’t be much to care. Is there anything that a person could do except leave a legacy in words??

Anyway, I need to clarify a few things that resulted in my previous post. It was only my side of the story. I am not above reprimand or rebuke which I can accept as corrections. I am sorry I was totally engrossed in myself then - the self-pity, the pain, the futility for which I am only to blame. If I cannot take care of myself when I knew I was inviting trouble, I should not have treaded the path of danger. Days and nights I had waited for some meaningful conversation which I was finding elusive. I am not mentioning all the reasons that had been cited. It was and is ridiculous of myself that I know / knew all the reasons and yet I choose to wait and pine. Well as it turned out to be, I was outrageously impatient and risqué which is very unlike me. I was told I was intruding on the space on time which was to be used for writing the novel that was being penned. Falsehood is something which I thought was never permitted between us. I happened to know that the tools needed for the activity was not there and then there was prolonged silence from her.

Weak as I am, I conjured several things. It fired my imagination and impatience. I went out to skin the tiger in its den without realizing that a swipe of the paw could turn me insane. I sent impulsive, irritating, compulsive words – to an extent when I asked to be blocked, deleted, ignored etc. etc. I had called for trouble but had not anticipated the enormity of the single word. When it did come, I saw the stars exploding in my head, the bile rose up my throat, my mind reeled, the muscles in my body seemed to be immobilized and my sight seemed to blacken out. The paw was too heavy for me to take. Even she realized it and tried to soften it. All night the word kept resounding in every cell and pore. I writhed in bed all night, schemed and planned in the early hours and left for work as dawn broke on the horizons. I knew I was going to work, but I did not know where and why I was going to my regular place of work. Except for my identity and a few pounds in my wallet, I left back everything. The open unmerciful, uncertain world seemed to welcome me. I felt as if it was stretching its arms out to welcome me in its womb in order to remind me of my creation.

It is time now for making my call, hence I shall continue with this later.

Made the call

Well I could not be heard, so thanks for hearing me out here..hahahhahahahha!!!!