The start of �The Great Substitute� 
Does anyone know how it feels to be classified and reminded over and over again by the person who you love the most that you are only a substitute!! It brings to mind great profanities and abhorrence for self because I have stooped myself to that level when I know have destroyed my self esteem just to stay alive in her esteem (or is it consideration?).
I feel so much more strongly after I have had a break, which I thought I deserved. Back at home, I intended to organize my finances. With the little money I could spare and commit, I plunged in to buy insurances – one to secure my little daughter (and plan for my retirement if I lived long enough) and the other to leave back some money for my idea of ‘love’ in case of fortunate imminent death.
Yes, I said ‘my idea of love’ and ‘fortunate imminent death’. That seems to be only emancipation though the insurances will prevent me from doing anything for the first year. Great way to secure and bind myself down, isn’t it?
It brings to mind the classical example of the ‘holy’ cow in some cultures where the animal was a part of the wealth and affluence of families. Not for beliefs or traditions – it was considered so for its utility. The cow in its life lived to be milked and pull the plough apart from bearing its offspring with very little demands for sustenance. It grazed in the fields and meadows and hardly ever needed attention. It faithfully came back home to be milked every dawn and dusk. Finally when it was too old to be of any service, it was led to be slaughtered and every part of its body – bones, flesh, hooves, horns, hide, fat, et-all was traded for money.
Why am I here today? What am I trying to say!! There is so much to say and so little of words or organised thoughts. While you are told that you are cared and loved, how does it matter if you cease to exist? Or how important is it that you live? Think of a situation when a piece of equipment is broken and you don’t want to repair it because it has lived its utility when you needed it. How would you to feel to know that you are thought about and needed only when someone else is being trite and acutely unpleasant to you?
God, all of this is there and more. Yet I do not know how to take a handle on myself. What I did is my unsaid duty emerging from the call of my heart. Glad you made my heart sing the sweet songs and gladder still that it still beats only for you. All I asked for was reciprocation in feelings. I have expended myself for you – to make your dreams come alive, to see you grow as a person. And you have considered me a ‘bystander’. Alas, now I no more figure as a part of ‘we’.
Isn’t it a pity that I can’t even afford to be indignant?I will come here more often now to leave my legacy in words. That is what I had from you and that is what I will leave behind.
Does anyone know how it feels to be classified and reminded over and over again by the person who you love the most that you are only a substitute!! It brings to mind great profanities and abhorrence for self because I have stooped myself to that level when I know have destroyed my self esteem just to stay alive in her esteem (or is it consideration?).
I feel so much more strongly after I have had a break, which I thought I deserved. Back at home, I intended to organize my finances. With the little money I could spare and commit, I plunged in to buy insurances – one to secure my little daughter (and plan for my retirement if I lived long enough) and the other to leave back some money for my idea of ‘love’ in case of fortunate imminent death.
Yes, I said ‘my idea of love’ and ‘fortunate imminent death’. That seems to be only emancipation though the insurances will prevent me from doing anything for the first year. Great way to secure and bind myself down, isn’t it?
It brings to mind the classical example of the ‘holy’ cow in some cultures where the animal was a part of the wealth and affluence of families. Not for beliefs or traditions – it was considered so for its utility. The cow in its life lived to be milked and pull the plough apart from bearing its offspring with very little demands for sustenance. It grazed in the fields and meadows and hardly ever needed attention. It faithfully came back home to be milked every dawn and dusk. Finally when it was too old to be of any service, it was led to be slaughtered and every part of its body – bones, flesh, hooves, horns, hide, fat, et-all was traded for money.
Why am I here today? What am I trying to say!! There is so much to say and so little of words or organised thoughts. While you are told that you are cared and loved, how does it matter if you cease to exist? Or how important is it that you live? Think of a situation when a piece of equipment is broken and you don’t want to repair it because it has lived its utility when you needed it. How would you to feel to know that you are thought about and needed only when someone else is being trite and acutely unpleasant to you?
God, all of this is there and more. Yet I do not know how to take a handle on myself. What I did is my unsaid duty emerging from the call of my heart. Glad you made my heart sing the sweet songs and gladder still that it still beats only for you. All I asked for was reciprocation in feelings. I have expended myself for you – to make your dreams come alive, to see you grow as a person. And you have considered me a ‘bystander’. Alas, now I no more figure as a part of ‘we’.
Isn’t it a pity that I can’t even afford to be indignant?I will come here more often now to leave my legacy in words. That is what I had from you and that is what I will leave behind.
posted by lovthyself at 8:30 AM
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