KARMA, KARMA, KARMA
My face in the mirror of life - Lost what I loved, loved that I never got....
Reap what you sow – indeed true for me but never got any for the good things I may have done. Translated something like this from a popular saying in India – there may be delay but never darkness in the house of God. Looking for light always at the end of the tunnel, I have forged ahead. Have never found the light and I have searched till the light in my eyes have gone out. Life itself may be draining out fast, hence my tale of karma may find some readers.
Sincerity, devotion and duty and been amalgamated to form a heady concoction. The more I have delivered the more has been demanded. I have given and I have been ignored. Yet I failed to look for myself, at myself, by myself. This is my karma. I got back what I gave. I started getting it even before I gave – karma before the deed, karma after the deed – Indeed as if it knew what I was about to do. But did I learn? No not for myself at least. This is my karma!
Virtual friends, internet love, sex escapades on the electronic medium – ever heard of these things? None would admit that they did, but I dare say I did. I met this fantastic lady on the internet which was the sheerest of the coincidences. More coincidences were discovered in our mutual values of life, character, interests, intellectual capacity, pursuit for knowledge and perhaps the stature of happiness (or was it unhappiness). Waiting, giving, exchanging – oh my goodness, all were so intense. We differed in religion and our beliefs in God; but kept it away with prudence and some dexterity. My other wise barren life seemed to cling on the single tree in an expanse of searing barren desert.
Care not I for the body that needs little fuel for subsistence, but my existence had got the much needed booster of love and care. Back at home the arms of a little child, my daughter, had kept the vines of my life alive. Fool that I am, I had thought that I could have whiled away the balance of my life seeking my lady-love. Separated by the 5 oceans and 5 continents, two hearts beat as one and lives intertwined in an unfelt unison; or so it seemed.
Good things in my life are too good to last. Did I have the fear that it was too good to last long? Yes, I was insecure. I am insecure. Who needs love anyway? Fools like me? I never loved myself to a point of selfishness, how could I love anybody else?? But I did. My wife I loved when she did not, my daughter I love when she does not understand and I love my lady with all the uncertainties. I bore myself down and wore myself out to follow the biddings of my heart and then this heart got ignored. My wife is a stranger, daughter a figure and what for my lady-love I am never sure. But the heart is hurt.
Reminds me of the popular sayings - Every hero becomes a bore at last, and History repeats itself. Can it be more relevant than my story? My fate came in the way. Suffice to say that the very tree I looked as my ideal, idol and goal, stated looking bleaker. Was it only an apparition in the mirage of the desert? I keep plodding, but the vision seems farther and farther. My feelings started looking as an unkempt beard on a haggard face. Like I had waited for my wife, I wait for the words of my lady-love. As I waited for her kindness, I wait to hear for her to beckon me. As I had waited for the hint of respect from my wife, I waited for her appearance to say hello!!! I had spent days and nights hoping for a change in my wife when I loved her, and now I spend days and nights waiting for her to appear. Unending weary days, numerous sleepless nights there were with my wife. Now it is beside my computer for my virtual love. I dare say I have been hurt.
And finally comes along karma to scoff and laugh at me while I stand as a mute spectator. I have been told and stood up again today. Not new and I knew but I waited. Nothing changes for me but waiting – for what or whom???
After the prologue, my inferences of karma start here. As I had been waiting for long hours, this person came along to say greet and later wondered if I could be kept company while I was waiting. A few meetings and one day in my inebriated state I revealed my cause of waiting. Judgement was passed – the girl I waited for, did not deserve to be waited upon if she could not respond. Great thought – I laughed to myself. I was told that I deserved better and could find true love if I wanted. Good thought – I hope it was understood that I was not looking for cheap sex or instantaneous thrills in the cyber world. I was very much in love, a love that could defy definition or common understanding. Then finally the cat came out of the bag – my mentor and wisher is a female and she has started loving me. I told her I am legally bound and morally taken. I told her to keep away from me for I could not respond. I told her that friendship to love is a one-way traffic and it cannot be turned the other way round. When she persisted, I had no choice eventually but to stop talking to her while I waited for my love. Yes, my deeds, it was my Karma in role play. She changed her name and caught me waiting. I was undone. She pleaded and cajoled. She said she would leave her riches, her country, her religion, her family to marry me. She could settle to me my concubine if I permitted to let her join me. She would not interfere with my marriage or be jealous of my Love. All I had to say yes. Yet I could never say I loved here. While I waited she appeared numerous times. Yes, I deliberately ignored her for my own selfish reason. I stopped replying to all messages lest she catch me again. Now finally she must have given up hope as she has gone away. Has her heart been broken and her hopes shattered?
As I sit and wait today, it is a time for reminiscing my karma. I reflect how she had felt while I ignored her. If she had truly loved me, she was in my boots and her heart was being turned inside out. She had known and felt what it means to be ignored. Her pangs for her unrequited love may have been equally painful. She had known the sting; she had known the torture.
Today I feel all of it and more. My karma has delivered it judgement. I have first felt all of it, my karma came back to tell me how my love must feel about all of it, and finally I have to feel all the feelings that the rejected girl has felt.
The difference is that I cannot go away. She is wise. I am an old fool. Or she did not love me at all!! Was it only her words? I wish the last is true!! May be my karma will forgive me sooner.
Oh Karma!! Oh my Karma.. This story is here because my feelings are not only words. My feelings are my life.