What am I waiting for
I have begged to all, while it has been there – please keep the communication going. Today I feel totally exhausted. Every day is a battle which I am losing each day. I am losing the battle against my faiths and beliefs. How long will it be before the war is lost?
The year is drawing to a close and it is indeed time to take stock of my resolutions. I make few resolutions, albeit tough ones sometimes. Same time last year, I was fighting uncertainties of my next deputation in my job, which was to form the gateway to my resolution. I knew what I wanted – no means was too little; no sacrifice was too big. Those were the days when I was ready to pawn one of my kidneys in order ensure that my love could clean some filth in this world (with her talent) rather than clean windows of some mansion. Great mercy of God, the door opened - I succeeded in achieving it and still keep my kidney. Yet there is no peace or sense of achievement. Four months hence I shall have no more resolve though my heart will continue to beat and so also bleed. I don’t know what shall be my purpose thereafter. I have loved and lost, I have lost and loved. Loss and love have been inseparable. I have succeeded, yet what have I gained? In my own introspection, I dare say, I am been responsible and virtuous. As said earlier, one can lie to the world but not to oneself and I will not lie.
One great thought of Hinduism : Do your duty, care not for the result. Does it mention, God will look after you? Well, did HE?
Do you know what happens when you crush a sweet smelling flower in you hands? The flower is mangled beyond recognition. Even in its annihilation, it leaves behind the fragrance of its life. Why do I have to feel like the flower? I tried adding beauty to some lives, but I guess I am not the species that can exactly adorn some life. I don’t even have the thorns that go with a rose – is that the reason that I will be crushed out while still on the boughs?
My women!! Oh my women!!
The year is drawing to a close and it is indeed time to take stock of my resolutions. I make few resolutions, albeit tough ones sometimes. Same time last year, I was fighting uncertainties of my next deputation in my job, which was to form the gateway to my resolution. I knew what I wanted – no means was too little; no sacrifice was too big. Those were the days when I was ready to pawn one of my kidneys in order ensure that my love could clean some filth in this world (with her talent) rather than clean windows of some mansion. Great mercy of God, the door opened - I succeeded in achieving it and still keep my kidney. Yet there is no peace or sense of achievement. Four months hence I shall have no more resolve though my heart will continue to beat and so also bleed. I don’t know what shall be my purpose thereafter. I have loved and lost, I have lost and loved. Loss and love have been inseparable. I have succeeded, yet what have I gained? In my own introspection, I dare say, I am been responsible and virtuous. As said earlier, one can lie to the world but not to oneself and I will not lie.
One great thought of Hinduism : Do your duty, care not for the result. Does it mention, God will look after you? Well, did HE?
Do you know what happens when you crush a sweet smelling flower in you hands? The flower is mangled beyond recognition. Even in its annihilation, it leaves behind the fragrance of its life. Why do I have to feel like the flower? I tried adding beauty to some lives, but I guess I am not the species that can exactly adorn some life. I don’t even have the thorns that go with a rose – is that the reason that I will be crushed out while still on the boughs?
My women!! Oh my women!!
posted by lovthyself at 3:17 PM
3 Comments:
I love the picture you posted with this painful blog.
A few years ago I was overwhelmed with the ugliness of the world--the pain, the sin, the personal disappointments I'd felt. I was asking God about all that. It was winter. Literally. The weather, grey, dirty, dreary, matched my mood. I stopped at the supermarket to pick up something for dinner and at the door was an amazing display of daffodils. As the cool of the day whooshed behind me with the closing doors, I just stopped in my tracks and stared at those beautiful flowers. I kind felt this stirrin in my heart, as if God was reminding me that He had created a world of great beauty and that all the evil had not stomped it out--that it was still there, the beauty, the joy, the flowers. I needed to reach for it--and for Him--and remember that HE is still there and it, the beauty, is still rich and alive in this world despite the darkness.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Paula. I speak from my heart. These are a few moments of expression but I have torrid tales to tell. I belived in Humanity much more than it believed in me. Have you read 'The Daffodils' by William Wordsworth? I try looking at good memories with the 'inward eye', but (always a but) how long can one live with empty visions alone?
A sermon from our associate pastor. I hope it helps. He was/is no stranger to struggles, neither am I for that matter. It's just that I talked about it for way too many years, which only seemed to perpetuate my problems. Not that it's not good to do so sometimes; it's just that, for me, it was time to move on.
God was and is always there.
Let me know it you're not able to hear the sermon and I'll use another method.
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